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The Red-Yellow-Green Coping Tool:

How I helped our rson when he was younger to self soothe and to self regulate and what I teach the each of the familes I work with today!


Stephanie Buckley, AMFT

ADHD Parenting Strategist & Family Systems Coach

Host of The Path to Peace Therapy Podcast


Stephanie Buckley is a Parenting Strategist and Family Systems Coach who specializes in ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. Drawing from both professional expertise and lived experience as a mom to a thriving neurodivergent son, she helps families build calmer homes through executive-function-based routines, emotional regulation tools, and solution-focused strategies.


Follow on Instagram: @ThePathToPeaceTherapy


When our son was younger, emotions could hit like a wave.

Sometimes it was a slammed door. Other times, a quiet withdrawal.

And occasionally, it was a full-blown storm that left all of us exhausted and confused.


My husband and I have been married for over three decades, and raising a neurodivergent child taught us more about emotional regulation than any textbook ever could.


At first, we were trying to manage the behavior the WHAT.

But over time, we learned that his behavior was just communication in disguise.

The real breakthrough came when we began focusing on the WHY.


That’s when I implemented what I now call the Red-Yellow-Green Coping Tool a simple, visual framework that helped us and our son recognize emotional states before they reached a boiling point.


Green: The Calm Zone


In the Green Zone, our son was regulated, engaged, and thoughtful.

He could focus, laugh, and problem-solve. His prefrontal cortex the logical, decision-making part of the brain was in charge.


We learned to cherish those moments and use them for connection: car talks, planning and reflecting. That’s when learning sticks because his brain felt safe.


Yellow: This is the " Transition Zone"


Yellow was our signal to slow down, pause and take a beat before moving on.


This was when we’d notice fidgeting, pacing, or resistance signs that his nervous system was shifting from calm to cautious.

His breathing would change, or his words would get sharper.


In those moments, we didn’t lecture; we paused.


Sometimes we’d say,


“It seems like you’re starting to get in the yellow zone what would help right now?”


That’s where HALTS comes in. HALTS stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Stressed (or Overstimulated). It’s a quick, powerful tool that helps you pause and check for unmet needs before you react.Those small adjustments were often enough to keep him from slipping into red.


Over time, he learned to identify his own cues before we had to point them out.


That’s the real goal of emotional regulation: self-awareness that leads to self-correction.


 Red: The Overload Zone


When he was in the Red Zone, logic was gone.

This wasn’t defiance it was distress. His amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) had taken over.


As parents, our job wasn’t to correct it was to co-regulate.

We lowered our voices, slowed our words, and stayed grounded until the storm passed.


That’s something I now remind every parent I coach:

You can’t help your child calm down if your nervous system is climbing the same ladder.


Regulation is contagious in both directions.


 The Science Behind It


This color system mirrors how the brain moves through arousal states:

• Green Zone: Prefrontal cortex active → reason, empathy, and memory online.

Prefrontal Cortex – The CEO of the Brain

This is the area right behind the forehead that handles logic, decision-making, planning, empathy, and impulse control.

It’s what allows your child or you to pause before reacting, to consider consequences, and to communicate calmly.

When we’re in the green zone, the prefrontal cortex is fully online and leading the team.

When stress rises, this part of the brain temporarily “goes offline,” which is why reasoning with an upset child rarely works in the heat of the moment.


• Yellow Zone: Limbic system activates → vigilance and tension rise.

Limbic System – The Emotion Center

Beneath the surface sits the limbic system a group of structures that manage emotion, motivation, and memory.

It’s like the bridge between instinct and reason.

When a child moves into the yellow zone, the limbic system begins to take over. Emotions get louder; the body prepares to protect itself.

If stress keeps building, the limbic system can override the prefrontal cortex completely, pushing the person into the red zone.

• Red Zone: Amygdala dominance → fight, flight, or freeze responses take over.

The Science Behind the Zones When he was in the Red Zone, logic was gone.

This wasn’t defiance it was distress. His amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) had taken over. As parents, our job wasn’t to correct it was to co-regulate.

We lowered our voices, slowed our words, and stayed grounded until the storm passed.


That’s something I now remind every parent I coach:

You can’t help your child calm down if your nervous system is climbing the same ladder.


Regulation is contagious — in both directions.


When I explain regulation to parents, I like to ground it in what’s actually happening inside the brain. Once you understand that, the behavior starts to make sense.



By teaching kids (and parents) to notice these shifts, we help the brain learn to come back online faster.

Over time, awareness strengthens the prefrontal cortex—literally wiring the brain for better self-control and emotional recovery.


When families learn to identify and name these zones, they build interoceptive awareness the ability to notice what’s happening inside the body.


That awareness is emotional intelligence in action.


The Family System in Practice


Every family member plays a role in co-regulation.

If one person’s stress spikes, everyone feels it.

Learning to name our zones helped our home feel less reactive and more connected.


We even made it a family habit:


“I’m in yellow I need a breather.”

“I’m back to green.”


It created a language of emotional honesty that we still use toda even now that our son is 23 and thriving as a young adult.


Those lessons became the foundation of my work with families.

I teach parents how to decode behavior, name the zone, and respond with regulation instead of reactivity.


Raising a neurodivergent child shaped everything about how I show up as a ADHD Parenting Strategist and Family Systems Coach.


The Red-Yellow-Green Coping Tool isn’t just a therapy model it’s a lived experience.

It taught me, my husband, and our son how to recognize the signs of stress before they explode into conflict.

And that’s the gift I now pass on to the families I support every day:

Peace doesn’t come from perfection it comes from awareness, empathy, and understanding what’s happening underneath the behavior.


Because when we can name it, we can change it.



Episode 98: Hungry Angry Lonely, Tired Stressed A Simple Check-In Tool That Saves ADHD Families



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It's Not Defiance,,,,,,,It's Dysregulation!



Episode #100 the VBR Method Validate Boundary Redirect How To Calm ADHD Chaos And Build Real Connection


 
 
 

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