When Life Feels Like Chaos: Finding Calm and Clarity in Your 20s
- Stephanie Buckley
- Oct 23
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 24
How Family Systems, Attachment, and ADHD Shape the Transition Into Adulthood
Written by Stephanie Buckley, AMFT (#147538)
Parenting Strategist & Family Systems Coach | Hermosa Beach, California
Stephanie Buckley is an Associate Marriage & Family Therapist and Parenting Strategist based in Hermosa Beach, California. She specializes in ADHD, anxiety, depression, and family systems therapy for kids, teens, couples, and young adults. Drawing from Bowen Family Systems Theory and Solution-Focused Therapy, Stephanie helps individuals and families move from chaos and conflict to calm, connection, and confidence both in person across the South Bay and virtually throughout California.
She is also the host of The Path to Peace Therapy Podcast, where she shares real-life tools and compassionate strategies to help families and young adults navigate mental health and relational challenges with clarity and confidence.
If you’ve landed here, chances are life feels heavier than you expected. Maybe your mornings start with anxiety before you even check your phone. Maybe your apartment feels disorganized no matter how hard you try. Or maybe you’re caught between wanting independence and still needing support from your parents.
You’re not broken you’re human. And if you have ADHD, anxiety, or depression, those invisible struggles can make everyday life feel harder than it looks for everyone else.
I’m Stephanie Buckley, an ADHD Parenting Strategist, Family Systems Coach, and host of The Path to Peace Therapy Podcast. I work with young adults across California who are ready to stop spiraling in stress and start feeling capable, confident, and calm again.
Why Adulthood Feels Harder Than You Expected
Graduating college or stepping into your 20s is a major transition. It’s the first time you’re asked to manage your own time, finances, decisions, and emotional health without the structure of school or the guidance of parents. For many young adults especially those who are neurodivergent this shift exposes old family dynamics and attachment patterns that were easier to ignore when life was more structured.
Even if you’ve moved out, the family system doesn’t graduate you do.
According to Bowen Family Systems Theory, every person is part of an emotional network that shapes their behavior, communication, and self-concept. That means the way your parents managed stress, handled emotions, or solved problems is still echoing through how you handle yours.
If you were the fixer in your family, you may take on everyone else’s problems now—roommates, friends, coworkers.
If you were the peacemaker, you might avoid conflict at work or in relationships to keep the peace.
If you were the scapegoat or the “one who always struggled,” you may unconsciously expect things to go wrong, even when they don’t.
Attachment Theory: Why Independence Feels So Confusing
Attachment Theory explains how our earliest relationships teach us what safety, connection, and love feel like. If you grew up with consistent emotional support, independence may feel exciting. But if you experienced unpredictability, control, or emotional distance, independence can feel lonely or even unsafe.
Those with anxious attachment might crave constant reassurance and fear disappointing others.
Those with avoidant attachment may appear confident but struggle to ask for help.
Those with disorganized attachment often swing between both wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.
Add ADHD to that mix impulsivity, rejection sensitivity (RSD), and emotional intensity—and the push-pull of connection can feel exhausting. You might overthink texts, replay conversations, or feel like you’re “too much.” But these are not character flaws; they’re patterns your nervous system learned for survival.
Differentiation: The Emotional Graduation
In Bowen theory, the goal of adulthood isn’t to cut ties with family but to develop differentiation the ability to stay connected to others while maintaining your own sense of self.
That means learning how to:
Stay grounded when your parents question your choices.
Express opinions without guilt or over-explaining.
Build routines that fit you not the ones you inherited.
True independence isn’t rebellion; it’s emotional regulation. It’s being able to love your family, but live your own life.
ADHD and the Family Emotional Echo
For young adults with ADHD, family dynamics often shape how you manage structure or avoid it. Growing up, you might have relied on parents or teachers to regulate your schedule, deadlines, or emotions. Once that scaffolding disappears, it can feel like free-fall.
Therapy helps rebuild that structure internally. We focus on executive functioning, time management, and self-regulation, but also on understanding the emotional story behind your patterns so you can move from external dependence to internal confidence.
Practical Steps to Find Calm and Direction
Name your patterns. Notice when family roles or emotional reactions from childhood still guide your choices.
Create structure with flexibility. ADHD brains thrive on routine, but it must be personalized, not punitive.
Build co-regulation into your life. Surround yourself with people who help you stay grounded, not overstimulated.
Focus on progress, not perfection. Independence isn’t an on/off switch it’s a gradual process of learning self-trust.
Seek guidance. Therapy offers a neutral space to untangle what’s yours to carry and what’s simply part of your family system.
The Path Forward
Peace isn’t about having every answer. It’s about understanding yourself deeply enough to respond differently.
You can build a life that feels calm, connected, and meaningful one where you’re not constantly reacting to the past but intentionally shaping your future.
If you’re ready to find your footing in this next chapter, I’d be honored to walk with you.
Email me @ StephanieB@ThePathTpPeaceTherapy.com or call 310-991-8768.
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